Children are the Best Teachers

about Funerals or Anything for that Matter

"Let the little children come to me, and don't stop them,because the kingdom of God belongs to such as these" 
Luke 18:16

The first time I can remember my daughter teaching me anything was during my father's funeral back in October 1989. She was just two and during the wake she was just running around and jumping into peoples arms giving kisses. She was as cute as can be, a pure example of innocence and love. 

Virginia at age 2

In my professional capacity I've tried to encourage families to have children attend funerals and have them participate in the ceremony no matter how small the detail. With Virginia, the next day, Gretchen (my wife) and I decided not to have her attend the funeral but would go to the reception afterwards. Picking her up at day care we stopped at the funeral home where she directly went into the room where my father was waked and asked immediately where's "BIG DADDY?" and what happened to him?. 

WOW, here it was the student giving the teacher a teachable moment. So practicing what I preach, I had her get into her car seat and we proceeded to the cemetery. Along the way I explained to her that "BIG DADDY" had died and gone to heaven and was with his mother and father and Jesus. She still asked where is "BIG DADDY?". I then showed her the grave where it had since been filled in and said his body was below the ground in his casket and a vault.  That his soul and spirit was with God in Heaven. All she said in reply was, "OK"

we went back down the hill and got in the car and went to the reception. I guess her curiosity was satisfied because she knew where her grandfather was safe and sound maybe.

Upon arrival at the reception I immediately sought out my niece Kristen and asked her about my niece (her cousin) Hilary's funeral,  who died at 3 years of age in 1976. She said she remembered wanting to go but not being allowed and she expressed not her anger but regret. Since that day in 1989 Virginia has buried two goldfish and Jackie the turtle in our back yard with services.

Children are aware of death and in their uncluttered minds can understand it in different meanings. Today we are in a technology world where instant gratification is expected and demanded. But where the feelings of love, and grief (the opposite of love) are being suppressed and avoided. Conversation, personal interaction and sharing has been handed over to emails and photos on Facebook.  

EXAMINE THIS PICTURE

Here is a photo print by Currier and Ives entitled "Burial of the Bird". Please study and maybe ask.

Do you see yourself?  Both as a child and an adult?  
Where and which character?   
What was your role then and now as an adult? 
What message is the message the artist trying to send us about death, family, friends and emotions at difficult times?
Do we handle death better as adults or were we better as kids?

Here is my interpretation,

First I see the funeral director and grave digger on the left appropriately dressed with an ascot tie and proud of his work and what he has been charged to do. Waiting on one knee in reverence. Notice the perfection of the dug grave and his readiness to perform his final duties. But notice the grave size is almost 4'xs what is needed. 

The older sister in blue is providing comfort to her little sister in red and with the branch in her left hand her job already completed as she had decorated the hearse. Her solemn look downward

The oldest and tallest of them who is probably not a relative but an employee's son or a true friend. Affected by the death of a small little creature of God that some how communicated with these children. Notice no shoes but a nice coat and proper hat for the occasion.

The youngest like my daughter Virginia is maybe looking back to see if the miracle will be performed where the bird starts flying again. Like those of us who see our loved ones in a casket hoping this is not real. But with her observation will be able to accept what has happened.

The dog which is man's best friend and the ultimate example of unconditional love and support. Maybe in his soul trying to give comfort to his master by being there like we as humans do.

Finally, the grieving brother whose pet it is and is experiencing and expressing his true feelings. Are his tears those of guilt by not feeding and watering him or because he took such joy and love in caring for him? He has taken the time to put on a tie and coat but his pants are ripped. But he continues to carry the cage for his own reasons maybe of not "Letting Go" but "Holding on". 

Maybe the undertaker made a bigger grave for him to leave his feelings of guilt, shame and fear in the grave which a lot of us don't.

Last but not least the bird which has been placed on a clean white cloth representing purity, love and warmth. That in its new life the bird will be embraced in light and not the darkness of the grave. 

What do you think? take another look 

Are we as a society today denying ourselves the needs that these children unknowingly brought into their lives to fill. 
Adults today say don't waste your time on me with a funeral just toss me away and forget me. My daughter and these children will never forget where a part of there life is buried. Allow them to have a place for them to remember. 

Remember the dead have no need for a funeral but the Living usually do.

God Bless 
Thoughts welcome Dean

Next month: I Don't need no Stinkin Funeral
                      Denial is not a river